At the end of a long day, with a tucked in child sleeping soundly beside her, Buneka Lucas sits and looks down at this healthy, happy little person. Weary but fulfilled from a long day of work, she hasn’t even changed out of her scrubs yet. She knows her hard work has paid off. Her children will never face the trauma and horrors she endured. The journey hasn’t been easy, but every step has made her who she is, and brought her here.
Buneka spent 10 years in foster care in 10 homes. Beginning at age four, she moved from foster home to foster home yearly, and her struggles with attachment, survivorship and abandonment issues began. Her internal alarm is still set for 7 a.m., when she got herself up and to the bus for kindergarten. In second grade, she was devastated to be short $.17 while buying her mom a pack of cigarettes and a Pepsi before school. At age 11, she celebrated her birthday for the first time. Her holidays were overshadowed by domestic violence, drug abuse and neglect. She often spent the winter months dreading going outside without a hat, gloves and coat.
Buneka’s childhood was full of heartache, trauma and neglect. No one asked her what she wanted, and she grew up without the ability to find herself. Which is why she’s such a passionate champion and advocate for Choice Network.
And her story isn’t unique. 20 years later, kids are spending their childhoods moving every few years to and from foster homes, group homes and institutions. Just waiting. Waiting to be loved, wanted and adopted. Waiting for a family to welcome them with open arms.
November is National Adoption Month (NAM). So often, NAM is focused on the numbers:
- The number of children in foster care.
- The number of children waiting for adoption.
- The number of adoption agencies.
- The number of adoptive families (or lack thereof) waiting to adopt a child.
But this month, Choice Network is focusing on telling the stories behind the numbers. Because behind every statistic, there is a child waiting to be welcomed into a home where they can feel safe. Where they can be a kid.
We connected with Buneka to learn why she is sharing her story to recognize #NAM2017, and why now more than ever, families need to open their hearts and homes to adopting an older child. She spent 10 years in foster care and was adopted as a teenager – something that no child should go through. Buneka didn’t have the opportunity to find herself and to have a normal childhood. She didn’t get to play sports. She didn’t have the opportunity to make friends hopping from home to home.
Open adoption is an adoption that allows first parents and adoptive families to have an open, transparent relationship, ensuring that children know their culture, heritage and first family medical background. Buneka’s a firm believer that if open adoption would have been presented as an option to her mom, maybe she and her siblings would have had the chance to be kids.
Why are you choosing to share your story of adoption now?
I was in the foster care system for 10 years before I was adopted at age 14. I, like all foster kids, was uprooted from my broken home. To prevent attachment and bonding with foster families, foster children aren’t allowed to live in a home longer than two years at a time, which is why attachment issues and abandonment run deep. I want to bring awareness to 400,000 kids who are in foster care, and the more than 100,000 who are waiting to be adopted.
If someone has it in their heart to adopt, the time is now. There is a drug epidemic in the U.S., and kids are losing their parents to drug addiction and overdose. According to PEW, there are nearly 10,000 kids in foster care in Ohio and nearly half of those taken into custody in the past few years had a parent using drugs. This isn’t just in Ohio – this is happening all around the U.S. Older kids are flooding our social services system, and there is a dire need for people to adopt these kids who have been left without parents.
But the decision to adopt isn’t one to take lightly. For an adoption to be successful, especially with an older child, it’s key to be educated. Every child in foster care has experienced loss and trauma that is unimaginable. Supporting an older child through adoption means the adopted parents needs to learn skills to parent a child that has been through trauma. The more educated adopted parents and families are about how to support an adopted child, the more successful an adoption will be. Adoption isn’t easy, but it is so worth it.
What do you wish people would know before welcoming a child of adoption into their home?
Families need to be sensitive. As a child in foster care, nearly everything you own will fit into a trash bag. To many adopted families, these belonging are viewed as trash. But to foster kids, this trash bag is their life in a bag.
I wasn’t allowed to have an identity when I was in foster care. In most states and counties, foster care kids aren’t allowed to play sports. We aren’t allowed to have sleepovers, wear certain clothes (or have clothes that fit!) or get regular haircuts. I was never able to fully develop into who I was as a person. Giving a child the space and time needed to develop an identity is essential.
What would you tell a child who is going through the foster care system or adoption?
I would tell kids that just because you didn’t grow up with your first mom and dad, doesn't mean you have to love them any less. Family isn’t defined by your DNA. Family is anyone who loves and supports you. Children often feel a sense of loyalty to their first family, and are afraid of releasing their bond to enjoy their life with their adopted families. You don’t need to choose between loving your adopted family and your first family. It’s ok to like and love your adopted family – it doesn’t mean you’re turning your back on your first family.
We are so grateful to Buneka and her willingness to share her story. Her struggles and triumphs are testament to why giving pregnant people ALL options, including open adoption, abortion and parenting, saves lives.
Nationally there are 30 waiting families for every one baby available for adoption. At Choice Network, we're on a mission to change the hearts of those 30 waiting families, opening their minds and hearts to adopting an older child. We hope our dedication to National Adoption Month begins to open the hearts of waiting families, while opening their eyes to the unique challenges and opportunities of open adoption.
