How do we move forward from such disappointment?
Why couldn’t this adoption match been the one meant for us?
What is wrong with us?
When will this season of longing for a family be behind us?
I don’t know how much longer I can carry around the pain and heartache of loss and disappointment. Trying to put my thoughts and feelings into understandable, relatable words feels like a tall task. But I’m willing to try…
The despair is overwhelming; my heart and arms feel empty. I feel cheated out of what could’ve been. The devastation is heavy but I also feel numb at the same time; weak, vulnerable, helpless and rejected.
It would seem easier to close up, retreat, and go into hibernation then lean into this heart ache. Pulling away, putting up walls, and protecting myself from pain is a losing battle in the end. It won’t bring true freedom and healing. So that is why, despite the heavy weight of unfulfilled longing that I carry with me, I’ll choose every day to wake up, get out of bed, and make the most of the day and life I’ve been given.
I commonly hear these two words spoken to me and about me: strength and hope.
People say I’m strong to be able to endure this season with hope. I wouldn’t call myself strong. And some days I feel like I don’t have any hope left. It’s actually a pretty lonely place to be. Sometimes I wish my hope would be completely gone so I wouldn’t look ahead to the future with glimpses of optimism, despite the circumstances that don’t look like they will change. Although it seems easier to give up, I cannot.
I am strong. I have hope.
When I focus on our situation, our circumstances, our storm, the overwhelming feelings and fears and doubts and unknowns of the future flood my heart. It seems hopeless, impossible, and empty. Instead, I am choosing to lift my eyes from what I see and look up – – above the waves to the One who has power over my storm and the circumstances of my life. I am leaning into that strength that others see-- and just maybe I see too. I am leaning into that hope. I am longing for the day when my arms and heart are no longer empty.