Who Has Power in Adoption?
As an adoptee and a social worker in adoption, I’ve spent years; and will spend many more, reflecting on adoption’s complexities. One of the biggest issues is the power imbalance between adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees.
Adoptive families choose to adopt. Birth parents often feel pressured into placing their child for adoption. Adoptees have no say at all. This imbalance is rarely discussed, but we need to talk about it. We must rethink entitlement, practice self-reflection, and shift power to honor adoptees and birth families.
The Power Imbalance in Adoption
For decades, adoption has been framed as a noble act. People praise adoptive parents for “saving” children. This creates entitlement—the idea that adopting a child makes someone a hero. But the reality is more complicated.
Birth parents often feel pressured into placing their child for adoption due to not having their basic needs met, struggling with substance use, or facing the possibility of their child entering foster care. The adoption industry benefits from this, often prioritizing adoptive families over birth parents and adoptees. Adoptive parents typically control the adoption story, deciding how much contact (if any) their child has with their birth family. They can also ignore or dismiss the trauma that adoption causes because it doesn’t directly impact them—it impacts the adoptee.
Financial inequality plays a huge role, too. Many birth parents choose adoption because they can’t afford to raise a child, while adoptive families have the money to complete an adoption. This dynamic reinforces privilege and power imbalances.
So, if you’re considering adoption, ask yourself: Do you believe you’re owed a child just because you want one? Would you still adopt if you knew the birth parent had other real choices? If these questions make you uncomfortable, that’s a sign to reflect on your role in the system.
Adoptive Parents Must Reflect on Their Role
Most adoptive parents have good intentions. They want to love and care for their child. But good intentions aren’t enough. Adoption requires deep self-reflection. Ask yourself:
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Why do I want to adopt?
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Do I recognize the trauma in adoption?
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Am I open to conversations about power and privilege?
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Am I listening to adoptees and birth parents, or just other adoptive parents?
Adoption is not just about creating a family—it’s about navigating loss, trauma, and identity. Open dialogue about these issues is crucial.
How to Shift Power in Adoption
Adoptive parents have a responsibility to create change. Here’s how:
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Support Ethical Adoption Agencies – Work with agencies that provide real options counseling, including abortion, parenting, and adoption. Birth parents should be able to create a plan that works for them, not just for adoptive families.
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Listen to Adoptees and Birth Parents – Follow adoptee-led podcasts, blogs, and social media accounts. Learn directly from those with lived experience.
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Honor Birth Histories – Birth families aren’t just part of the past; they are part of an adoptee’s identity. Support open adoption when possible.
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Commit to Lifelong Learning – Adoption isn’t a one-time event; it’s a lifelong journey. Keep learning, growing, and listening to adoptees.
A Better Future for Adoption
To make adoption ethical, we must change how we think about it. That means shifting power away from adoptive parents and toward adoptees and birth families. It means recognizing adoption as complex—not just a “happy ending” but a lifelong experience with real challenges.
Adoptive parents: Be open to reflection, be willing to listen, and commit to making adoption better for everyone involved.
