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So much of what we learn about harm is how to avoid it. But in comparison, we are taught very little about how to repair when harm does occur. Even less do we open our hearts and minds to the transformative power that navigating conflict can have on our relationships, especially by acknowledging the harm that we cause.

Many of us were raised with serious black and white thinking. However, so much of life and our relationships exist in the grey. Being raised this way can make the concept of uncertainty feel scary and intolerable-which results in perfectionism, pedestalizing, and then punishment when perfection isn’t maintained. We grow up people-pleasing, minimizing our own needs, and consequently becoming angry when we perceive someone taking up “too much” space, or receiving what we have been unable to attain due to our own repression. We are taught that there is a scarcity in life and we must protect what we have. When our caregivers make a mistake, we rarely experience genuine apology. The blame is put on someone else or we are expected to forget about it and move on. We are taught that respect is about hierarchy and authority rather than an equitable exchange that is strengthened with understanding, accountability, and repair after conflict.

Thus, the messiness of non-traditional relationships can feel terrifying. When we break norms, we rock the boat and get our hands dirty. Additionally, we must deconstruct what we have learned about love, scarcity, and conflict-to name a few. However, oftentimes there isn’t a clear path to follow when we change our lives in these radical ways. This opens us up to even more possibilities for conflict. It can leave us wondering if diverting from the path was even worth it.

But then-there are the wins. The moments where it does work. Where people are seen and understood and loved in life-changing ways. There is the community that is built through love and through hardship. Suddenly, we aren’t so alone and much of the conflict that arises doesn’t send our bodies into a panic anymore. We know we are safe here and that our messiness won’t scare others away.

If you are an adoptive parent, relinquishing control over the process and choosing open adoption means coming face-to-face with all of these misconceptions about love, scarcity, and conflict. They become open wounds. Becoming an adoptive parent also means opening yourself up to so many circumstances in which you can cause harm, whether that be through knowingly exerting control, or through unknowingly being influenced by your fears. It can be scary to imagine the damage you can do, but you must also know that there is no perfect adoption and you will make mistakes. Catching these mistakes when they occur and being forthcoming and apologetic is so important, and it demonstrates your ability to show up and do the work. Trust is built when we can be messy and still love each other.

One thing we can do to assess our mindset is get curious about our ideas around scarcity. An exercise that can be easily integrated into our daily lives is understanding and implementing dual-process theory. This theory explains two different levels of processing that happen in our brain-type one and type two. Type one processing is fast, automatic, and intuitive. These automatic thoughts are based on things such as intuition, and learned/ingrained biases and beliefs. In action, this may look like stereotyping and immediate assumptions, such as the idea that exposing an adoptive child to their birth parent will result in eventually “losing” the child to the birth parent-which may cause behaviors that are reactive, control-driven, and encouraged by our scarcity mindset. Type two processing is a slower, more deliberate process. It requires effort and actively challenging our type one thoughts in a process called detect, reflect, reject, and replace. When we have thoughts that point to an underlying belief of there “not being enough to go around”-and we may feel these thoughts in our body as a tightening feeling, or our heart racing-we can detect them as such, reflect on the thought’s validity, reject the parts that are not true, and replace with thoughts that come from an abundance mindset.

Here are some examples:

“If I loosen my grip, my child will choose their birth family over me.”-------->“There may be opportunities for conflict and loss in an open adoption, but there are also opportunities for connection and support.”

“Having another parent involved will be too complicated.”-------->“Another parent present introduces complications, but it also means that I don’t have to navigate these hardships alone.”

“What if my child develops a preference for their birth family because there are ways that I cannot relate to them?”------>“I won’t be able to help my child through everything they face. A way I can love them is by allowing them relationships with multiple people who can chip in.”

“Too much openness will confuse my child”--------> “This dynamic, however non-traditional, will be my child’s version of ‘normal’. It is up to us to truthfully answer any questions that come up and navigate issues as they arise.”

When we let go of our ideas that love is a limited resource that must be protected, we open our hearts and minds to so many avenues of expansive connection. We also become more equipped to handle the “what-ifs”-and gain the strength to look these fears in the eyes and name them. We are less inclined to withhold affection and love as a form of punishment, and instead, continue to extend love especially during conflict. When a child grows up in a family that operates from abundance and models this type of transformative and open love, there will be no need for them to pledge loyalty to a single “side” when they grow up.

Self Reflection Questions:

1. How do I typically respond when I realize I’ve caused harm?
2. What beliefs about conflict and repair did I learn growing up? How do they shape my reactions today?
3. Do I view love, trust, and connection as limited resources? How does that impact my relationships?
4. When someone expresses that I’ve hurt them, do I listen with the intent to understand or to defend myself?
5. What assumptions do I make when conflict arises? How can I challenge them using detect, reflect, reject, and replace?
6. How do I demonstrate accountability in my relationships? What does a genuine apology look like to me?

Solutions for Repair:

1. Acknowledge the Harm – Take responsibility for your actions without minimizing or shifting blame.
2. Practice Active Listening – Give the other person space to express their feelings without interruption or defensiveness.
3. Offer a Genuine Apology – Express remorse without conditions (e.g., "I'm sorry I hurt you" instead of "I'm sorry if you felt hurt").
4. Engage in Detect, Reflect, Reject, Replace – Challenge automatic responses based on fear or scarcity.
5. Lean Into Repair, Not Perfection – Accept that mistakes are part of relationships; focus on learning and growing.
6. Seek Collaboration Over Control – Approach relationships as partnerships rather than hierarchies.
7. Affirm Abundance in Love and Connection – Remind yourself that relationships can expand to include multiple sources of support.
8. Model Emotional Safety – Show that conflict doesn’t mean rejection or withdrawal of love.
9. Commit to Change – Follow up with actions that reflect your willingness to repair and grow.
10. Create a Culture of Openness – Encourage honest dialogue and mutual understanding, even in difficult moments.